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Title: Running
Summary: Old habits die hard. Fenris reflects on meeting Le'ciel Hawke, and their relationship since then.
Disclaimer: I do not own Fenris, as he is property of Bioware (careful about saying 'property' he might slaughter the lot of them). Spoilers abound in this story, you've been warned!

I had once thought that there would be no greater pain to experience than what I experienced at the hands of Danarius. Now as I stand here, so close to Hawke and yet unable to reach for her hand, I know that I was wrong. This emptiness I feel now that I've left her is the most painful thing I'd ever felt in my life.

It is hard to believe it has been three years since that night we shared. It is even harder to believe that I've managed to let this go on this long. I have never had time to get to know another person since I escaped from my chains, it had always been paid acquaintances, expendable people to throw at my captors to keep me free a little longer. They had cared little about the whats, whys, and hows...only the coin mattered.

Then Hawke came...and messed all of that up.

I had wanted to believe what she said when we first met, that she was genuinely wanting to help me. She never once mentioned the coin, and the way I had to force her to take what little coin I had gave me pause. Perhaps she was truly worried about my safety, but how? She didn't know me. She had no idea what I had gone through...

When I offered my help, I hadn't expected to see her face again until she needed me. Yet the next night, there she was on my doorstep with a basket of rations, though meager as they had been. I had been drinking, and I was almost ashamed to let her into the mansion. The faint smell of death and stagnant air was still there, I hadn't done much to clean the place up. If she minded, she didn't make any notion about it.

Those strangely hued eyes of hers, "like lilac" I remember thinking, had watched my every move so closely as if she was trying to read my soul through the way I gestured. She'd asked about my past, though had I not been drinking, I doubt I would have even told her what little I did.

"I kind of like the way you look."

I wouldn't have admitted it then, but I distinctly remember the feeling of my heart racing in my chest when she'd said that, having to double-take to see if she had really said it or if I had imagined it. Such a beautiful woman, a human woman, thinking that some elf like me...branded as I was...attractive? A rare find indeed.

Then I let it all go...because of a past I can't seem to remember.

Hawke had been so worried for me, she didn't have a shred of care about how I was going to break her heart. She hadn't gotten upset, even as I told her I couldn't do this. She didn't call me a coward, when I know full well she had every right to. She offered to help me. Even as she said that we could make it through this together, the only thing I could think about was running away.

So I ran, and I gave her no hope in helping me.

I was surprised after her mother died that she even wanted to see me, and yet she welcomed me without word one of any pain she felt at us or otherwise. She was grateful for my company, and again my fool's heart raced like an adolescent child's sick with love. I would have stayed that night if she'd asked me, but I could see it in her eyes. She wanted me to, but she respected my wishes enough not to. Why did she have to be so damned selfless?

Three years later, and not once has she asked me why I did what I did.

"Hawke, I..."

She paused, and turned to look at me with those curious eyes. Not expectant. Not hating. Just...curious. Varric stopped. That mage stopped. I looked at them...then back to her. "You guys, give us a minute." I could see the displeasure in Anders' eyes, though Varric held a different expression. It was a story he wanted to know, and maybe someday he would know it. For now, it wasn't for his ears.

"Is everything okay, Fenris?"

"I..." Love you. More than anything in Thedas. "checked up on that information about my sister. She's going to be in Kirkwall soon. It had taken some work to get word to her, and she was hesitant to accept, but she's coming."

She gave me a reassuring smile, that one that could melt any sort of apprehension I ever had away. "You sound hesitant." Hawke knew me all too well.

"The more I want to think that Denarius doesn't know, the more I'm sure he does." The thought of the man made my blood boil, the thought that he could be following my sister only further cemented my need to rip his throat out with my bare hands. "Could you..." hold me? Just hug me, and tell me that everything will be fine. Tell me I'm imagining things, and that you love me? "come with me? It would mean a lot to me."

"If you want me to be there for you, then I will be there."

"Thank you Hawke. This means more than you know."

Of course it did, my own cowardice made sure of that. She couldn't know the things that were in my mind, of the love I still harbored for her all this time. I couldn't let her know how weak I was, how scared. What would she think of me then?  I owed it to her to let her know why I had done what I did to her. I owed it to her to be honest about what I had wanted to say to her all this time. Most of all...I owed it to her as well as myself to let her know that if anything I still loved her.

I would tell her...but not now. Let me play the coward and do what I do best.

Run.
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Just a little thing I wrote on a whim. It's spoiler-ific, so you've been warned.

Fenris can't help but to keep doing the one thing he's been doing since he left Tevinter...run. Even if it's just figurative this time, he's found that there are some things out there that frighten him more than a few lyrium burned markings.

Fenris (c) Bioware
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:iconnerdpowers:
Nerdpowers Featured By Owner Apr 6, 2011
I love this!!
that 'more than anything in Thedas' but made me squee like anything!!!
Its lovely to see dear old Fenner's mind at work ^^,
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:iconfullelven:
FullElven Featured By Owner Apr 6, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
LOL! Thank you so much! I've never been much for writing first person, but I seriously just couldn't help to with this! :D
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:iconnerdpowers:
Nerdpowers Featured By Owner Apr 6, 2011
oh I love it!! Its lovely to see Fenris' thoughts....write more!! ^^,
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:iconfullelven:
FullElven Featured By Owner Apr 6, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
I definitely will!
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:iconnerdpowers:
Nerdpowers Featured By Owner Apr 7, 2011
WOOO!!!
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:iconsaorigatsu:
SaoriGatsu Featured By Owner Mar 19, 2011
Gaaah... '"I..." Love you. More than anything in Thedas' :love:
This is so amazing. Truly. I felt like Fenris really spoke here himself.
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:iconfullelven:
FullElven Featured By Owner Mar 19, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
Aww! Thank you so much!
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:iconsaorigatsu:
SaoriGatsu Featured By Owner Mar 20, 2011
You're welcome ^ ^
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:iconwirls:
Wirls Featured By Owner Mar 16, 2011
This is very well written! Great work!
You really captured Fenris in this.
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:iconfullelven:
FullElven Featured By Owner Mar 16, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you!
Reply
:iconfirvenn:
Firvenn Featured By Owner Mar 15, 2011
This is wonderful indeed, thank you. Umm... I wanted to ask if I could translate this text into russian and post in my diary? Of course I will post the link to this page as well and note that this fanfic belongs to you... May I? Pleeeease!))
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:iconfullelven:
FullElven Featured By Owner Mar 16, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
Sure, just please make sure to give me credit and link it back to my profile! Either than that, I'm good with it! I didn't take enough Russian in school to do it myself anyways XD
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:iconrustingwolf:
rustingwolf Featured By Owner Mar 15, 2011
" "I..." Love you. More than anything in Thedas. "

Awww, that part made my heart go squish. <3
Well done, I could definitely see this being Fen's inner workings
Reply
:iconfullelven:
FullElven Featured By Owner Mar 15, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
^.^ Thanks! :D I was hoping it would be longer when I wrote it, but it wrote itself. I'm not usually one to write in first person, I struggle with it really badly, but I didn't have too much of a problem with this!
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